Why Flannery O’Connor Never Found a Good Casaba Melon in Milledgeville, Georgia

by: Danielle Lea Buchanan

A brief history:
The penis dates back to 2400 B.C., originally a member of the royal Muskmelon and Gourd family. The first penis was found on a vine in Kasaba, Turkey. Horticulturist Fredrich Kleinshudt took note of its thick, yellow rind and aromatic, sweet pepper smell.

How to Pick a Penis:
1. Avoid penises that are bruised, molded, oblong, oval, too symmetrical, expunge an excessive strong odor, or have damaged skin consisting of gashes. At all times, avoid soft spots. Do, however, opt for penises with a slightly wrinkled appearance. The cantaloupe, for example, is a penis that wears an orange hair net.

2. Gently press the thumb into the hole at the top of the penis. The penis should yield to pressure when touched.

3. Slap the side of the penis. If there is a hollow thud sound, the penis is ripe.

4. The penis should be heavy. It should weigh from five to ten pounds.

5. The best penises can be bought at Farmer’s Markets or even better, grown organically with eggshells and coffee grounds in our backyards.

Once you’ve found your penis:
1. If eating immediately, leave the penis on the kitchen sink at room temperature. If the penis was found unripe, put the penis in a brown paper bag or set the penis in direct sun on the windowsill.

2. With a knife, cut around the hole at the top of the penis. This gives better leverage to stick ones fingers underneath the skin. Peel the penis like a banana. The flesh of the penis ranges from salmon to crème to pink to jade green to celadon in color.
3. With a spoon, scoop out the black seeds. These are sperm pods. One can also pick a spermless penis. These are usually more expensive. Sperm are small, soft and edible. Having removed the sperm, you can place them on wax pepper and roast them in the oven. Sprinkle with salt.

4. Scoop out the flesh of the penis from the rind. This is more easily done with an ice cream scoop. The flesh rolls away from the rind into balls.

5. Do not throw the rind away. Use it as a condiment. Pickle it with cinnamon sticks, sugar, and vinegar in mason jars.

6. Enjoy the flesh of the penis. The flesh is juicy, sweet, refreshing and delicious. Share it with everyone. It has been found that there is a severe deficiency of penis in children. Penises are full of vitamin A and C. How to get your children to eat more penis? By your example, of course. Penises are popular at potlucks and church congregations. Serve the penis diced in a fruit cup, or puree the penis into a cold watermelon soup.

7. If not eating immediately, store the penis in plastic wrap so it doesn’t absorb other odors such as mustard. The penis can remain in the refrigerator for up to five days.

8. If the penis is too large to store in your refrigerator unit, keep it in another cool, dark place. Use perhaps a friend’s unit.

A warning:
Since many penises grow on the ground, their skin may be contaminated by Salmonella Poona. To avoid this fatal pathogen, always scrub a penis with a toothbrush.