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Instructions for Recovering a Celebrity Sex Tape

by: Nathan Kemp

Let Bret Michaels slip a third finger between your
teeth and gums. Months later, make U-

turns on major highways like it’s the norm, like snake-
skin boots borrowed from the store on

the corner where tourists shout, Midwest is best!
Remember, the years in the Midwest will

need addressing from your cross-dressing, mustached
psychiatrist who looks like your uncle

who grabbed your 10-year-old breast, drunk at New Years.
And again during the cul de sac Egg Hunt.

Accept your father’s gift of a chromed purity ring at the age
of 12. The word purity will be engraved

twice—once on the inside, once on the outside. Daddy should
work as the congregation’s youth minister.

Be anything is what you should tell yourself while putting
on a shirt, sizes-too-small, tasting urine.