Choose Your Own Adventure

by: Shane Roeschlein

Decades after America slipped her nitrile-gloved fist into the cloaca of the Fertile Crescent, having penetrated the uterus of civilization with depleted uranium-tipped awe and Gödelian shock of a tangled and heterarchal structure, we’ve effectively established a perpetual occupation and await further instructions.

Indeed it was from the face wounds that the pool of blood originated.
Choice being an axiom of Western culture, pick your own adventure: IED™ or UAV (drone).

Though, one is not exclusive of the other.
Emerging science suggests, the wind IS solid and death a bedfellow of proximity.

This burden of explicating an evolved combat perspective is best left to experts and strategists guided by the crisis culture of commerce.

Celebrated in exaltation at the alter of the conflict cult.

It augurs a future of convergence.
Brand America’s The Drone™ and its affiliates offer a viable option for the combatant: HUD, precision optics, form molded recliner, ergonomic joystick, canted control panel and air-conditioned cube in an undisclosed location in the North American Southwest, lending unprecedented security to the operational dynamic with virtual detonation of payload on target from afar.

The no-contact battlefield realized.
Complexity and precision make this weapon ideal.

Thinking forward.
Scientists at Zhejiang (Dje Jahng) University in China have successfully tried and tested a mind-controlled quadcopter drone. The pilot, using an EEG headset (emotive electroencephalography) navigated the drone by thinking “hard left”, “bank right” or “take off.”

Blinking engages the drone’s on-board high definition camera.

Squeezing triggers the landing sequence.

Recalling baseball statistics keeps the quadcopter “up.”
Look into the Asiatic sky and behold the hovering silhouette of an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle.


Everywhere. Outside. Inside. Within.
Drone releases payload.

Boom goes the AIM-9!

Hi-def video stream of magnesium flash as targets detonate.

YouTube it!

A silent executioner is preferable to a boisterous one.
The Improvised Explosive Device (IED™) by Insurgent Inc. is a splicing-together of present-past ingenuity, a composite technology reliant on blast radius interdependencies.

For illustrative purposes, imagine a sock monkey, a child’s toy, stuffed with Semtex.

Outmoded Nokia mobile sewn into its chest.

Roadside in Al Anbar, Helmand Province, Aleppo.

Real-time detonation triggered from a GlobalStar Iridium Sat phone, ideally from a provisionally safe viewing area.

Like the Chuck-e-Cheese down the road?
Naw. KFC.

The Colonel’s sphere of influence is far and wide and the menu items, Halal.

Victim operated devices (VOIED™) are democratic.

These booby trapped IEDs are triggered by an unwary victim.

In the Iraq and Afghanistan theatres, traumatic limb amputation is more common than other injuries.

A short press conference is conducted by Brand America on the South lawn; medals are awarded to the “Fab Five,” a group of combat veterans who share a unifying symmetry: quadruple amputation. CEO‘Bama in pressed suit, flag-pinned lapel, stretches lips over teeth in an approximation of a grin.

Tweets love of vets.

Adds, #quadamp.

Surgically implanted explosives (SIED™) give combatants unprecedented access.

In a failed attempt to assassinate a Saudi prince, Abdullah Al-Asiri (brother of Al Q franchise chief bomb maker, Ibrahim Al-Asiri) had sixteen ounces of Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN) plastic explosive inserted in his rectum.

These jokes practically write themselves.
Not to worry, wounds sustained by the Saudi Prince were insignificant.

Saudi authorities referred to the attempt as “novel.”

Like, aw, how adorable?
More like—and I’m speculating here—bold and tragically flawed.

With the IED, simplicity and purpose make for an ideal weapon.

The use of remote control unmanned aerial strike brigades for precision killing—precise in that they neutralize a target with a calculated mitigation of collateral damage—is the current Standard Operating Procedure.

Likewise, for any insurgency, IED placement, increased sophistication in construction, materials and damage “level-up” risk management in counter-insurgency tactics.

Splice into the present to see into the future.
Yemeni-American imam Anwar Al-Awlaki is the first contestant in history to be awarded a visit by the State Sponsored Publishers Clearing House of Terrorism.

A proficient surfer, Al-Awlaki was using the Internet for disseminating terrorist ideology.

Brand America designated Al-Awlaki (American citizen) a target and proceeded with his due-process-free assassination utilizing a Predator aerial drone.

Favored for its tumescent curvilinear shape.
Previous attempts on the clerics life were unsuccessful. Al-Awlaki always managed to slip away, secured under the golden arches of Jihad.

Ibrahim al-Asiri, known associate of Al-Awlaki, was a proxy recipient of the designation. Al-Asiri’s career highlight was creating the schematics for the botched Underwearbomb worn by Umar Farouk Abdulmutalla aboard Northwest Flight 253.

Did they give him his own parking spot?
Employee of the Month. Guy made an underwear bomb.

Was Al-Awlaki involved in an operational capacity or just an Al-Qaeda franchisee?
No, but he wasn’t some burger flipper either.

He was the voice.

The Ronald McDonald of McJihad.

Propagandist. Agitator. Enemy combatant. Traitor.

Facial hair connoisseur.
His memento mori is featured on the flatscreens @ Langley.


Nowhere. Everywhere. All where.
War, as perpetual agitant in an elastic, mirror-dynamic, creates an enduring value through destruction, stabilizing the economy for short intervals, maximizing profit.

Both choices in this modern adventure, be it IED™ or Drone™, conclude predictably.

Praise the War Economy.

Cue applause.